What I Learned While I Was Single

It took time and growth for me while I was single to get to a place where I was not always thinking about who I could hang out with or what I could do to occupy my time.

The number one thing I learned while being single was how to be alone but in a positive space.

I realized that I needed to know how to be alone in a positive space and this is a big thing for most singles. Many singles struggle with the time because they have never learned how to enjoy their own company, talk to themselves or be with themselves and not feel a sense of lack. For people who do Transform 20,  there is a silent workout within the program for this reason.

That workout, in particular, resurfaced some things for me because I remember as a kid, I use to hide in my closet. The only that I was alone as a child as in a negative space when I would hide from my molester. So being alone to me as a child equal hiding. Then in my adulthood, those same feelings started to manifest themselves when I was single.

I had to learn that because I’m alone, I’m not dating anyone, not hanging out with friends, that I am not also still running and hiding from my molester. I’m just spending time by myself and it’s okay.

There are a lot of people who say that they like being alone or they want to be single but they really don’t.

There are a lot of people just telling themselves they just want to be single when actually it’s the exact opposite. They want to be with someone but there’s a battle between them proven to themselves that they can be alone and their circumstances.

“My question to those people is why? “

What I enjoyed about being single is that I could go and do whatever I wanted, I could pick whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

What I didn’t like about it was hooking up with random people or going to the club and it basically being me reaching out to people for the sole purpose of not being alone. I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t like feeling like I was running away from this to pain that I was feeling as a child.

When I met Scott I recognized what it was like to be with someone but also be free. With most of my other relationships it was like I’m with them and I’m relying on them for emotional support but I wasn’t really in love with them. I see that in those situations I was using those people for emotional support. It’s basically you are not with the person for them but you are with the person for what they can provide you. Don’t get me wrong, Scott does provide me with something great but if he is not there for a day or two I am fine. Before, it was like what is this person providing me that I can’t provide myself. With Scott and what he provides its an enhancement and not taking the place of something that I already should have within myself. That is where I draw freedom from with our relationship.

Here is some advice for you if you are currently single:

Don’t rush the process.

There is a process happening in your life and you must not rush it. Just like me, many of us go through a singles phase that is there to teach and evolve us. Without that time, we would stumble into relationships not fully formed or able to truly give and get the best out of the relationship. Trust that your journey is the way that it is for a reason and do your best to be your best at every turn and you will find yourself later on a much better person.

Respect the process.

Relationships are like clothes. When you are in the market for some new clothes, what do you do: “Go shopping”. I’m shopping and I see a shirt that I like.  First thing I ask is “do I really like this shirt?” Yes, I do like this shirt so the next question is “can I afford it?” If you look at a person and the aesthetics of this person you like, they take care of themselves in a way that’s attractive to you.  Then boom, this is something you can afford. As opposed to if it’s a person that might be a little bit stuck-up or self-absorbed then you can’t really afford that situation and all of what that person brings to it. Now back to the shirt, if it’s in your price range you pick up the shirt and the next thing you do is try it on. Things have been going really well up until this point, you like the store, you like the style, you like the price but you have to try it on.   You meet somebody they look good, they have enough qualities that you like and not stuck on themselves, they are giving you enough attention; so you say “hey let’s go out on a date.” Now it’s time to try it on for size. You put the shirt on and you can get your arms through, this is cool. You look in the mirror, the most important part, what is the first thing that you see and say.

Do you say “this shirt looks really good on me” or do you have to wiggle around pull on the shirt and maneuver in the hopes of making it look good? If you have to make to many adjustments, pull and wiggle to “make the shirt look better or fit” then you have to tell yourself “I’m not buying the shirt”. That’s not to say that you could never wear the shirt but right now, at this moment that shirt is not a good fit.  Who knows: maybe you need to lose a little weight, maybe you need to gain a little weight, maybe it’s not the shirt but something going on with you. Regardless it’s not a good fit. So maybe this shirt is just not right for you. If you are trying to make the shirt fit and it’s too small but you are trying to make it work so you pull at the arms and pull at the waist you will wind up with a morphed/disfigured shirt. We try to make clothing fit the same way that we try to make people fit and now you’re trying to change someone because they never really fit but you want to stretch and make them fit you. That person is never going to be the right one because you went into the situation attempting to change them to fit you. Not everybody is going to look good on you. You cannot stretch anyone to fit your life just for the sake of “being in a relationship.”

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts in the comments section below! Really liked this article, then send me a message on IG (@ShaunT) telling me your take on “Being Single in 2019”.

  1. Shaun T, love this article. Hits home in a whole lot of areas for me. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Sometimes in a relationship, there is a bit of adjusting, not 100% fit from day one, as honeymoon period phases out yet, it can be a good fit to begin with and an even better fit as you learn from eachother and become a stronger team each day. As long as both of you are honest and willing to work at it. If you never water a plant, it will die and just like the plant, the relationship needs to be fed and taken care of. Date nights, or date moments, respect, will to compromise, admiration…, And, keep it fun and light, no drama. 🙂

  3. SHAUN! You nailed it! I believe you can’t truly be happy with another until you are able to love yourself and are OK being alone. It might not be your long-term goal to be alone, but you must be able to enjoy your own company and you are so right that there are people out there seeking out others for the sole purpose of not being alone. It took awhile for all this to “click” for me. I’m 33 now and really, finally comfortable with myself and though I am married, I agree I am fine for periods of time without my husband. You said it all and said it well! Thanks Shaun!

  4. wow! and confirmation. over and over again I’ve been hearing “trust the process”…it’s like a mantra folks I love and respect keep telling me that I’ve not been interested in hearing. but with this last situationship, i’m finding that he does NOT look good on me. he’s a little weird. a little arrogant and a LOT lost. we are not meant. we were rolling along fine then BAM he changed up…I called him on it. he swore nothing was wrong. but I knew better. fast forward, he had a bad bad divorce and he’s still not healed from it…..anyhoo fast forward he says don’t you think we’ve rushed (mind you we’ve been seeing one another for almost a year and a half, but NOT an official couple) I don’t feel he’s interested in a relationship with anyone let alone me …and i’m settling. he has some good qualities but not nearly enough that i’d like in a man. I don’t feel secure or protected with him…I feel like piss in the wind and i’m not catering to his insecurities or hurt feelings…he’s almost 50 and WAY too old not to grow up. that’s the cliff notes…so I’ve made peace with moving on and just being happy being with myself. living and enjoying life and all it has to offer…growing my business getting my body right and just being happy…. I REFUSE TO LET GO OF MY PEACE FOR ANY REASON! so this was a reconfirming refreshing post I was meant to read. <3 you!

  5. I am almost 54 and single for the first time in my adult life. Was married for over 30 years and had children early in so I was never really alone. You are 100% right saying you need to like being by yourself. This time alone has opened my eyes to what I want and deserve in life and #Transform20 has helped me to believe in myself and show myself that I am worth this journey and to trust the process. For that I say “thank you!” My first ShaunT workout and I am so happy this was the one I chose 💙

  6. This was a really interesting article for me to read, and especially now because I’ve just left a relationship a couple of months ago, so I’m getting used to the single life again. And I’m really enjoying the freedom! Basically I loved my ex, but he just wasn’t the right fit at this point in time. I don’t know if he will ever be. So I had to walk away and stop thinking about him and the things he would do for me. I decided to be my own person. The best thing I did was to go on a trip on my own. Spending time alone in unfamiliar locations really forced me to rely on myself (because when we were together I could rely on him instead) and get comfortable with my own company. Little by little the negative thoughts went away and were replaced with new experiences and sights and sounds. Of course I’ll always still have some negative thoughts. But I know that I can find the right fit one day. And if I never do, I can be my own best fit. 🙂

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