It took time and growth for me while I was single to get to a place where I was not always thinking about who I could hang out with or what I could do to occupy my time.
The number one thing I learned while being single was how to be alone but in a positive space.
I realized that I needed to know how to be alone in a positive space and this is a big thing for most singles. Many singles struggle with the time because they have never learned how to enjoy their own company, talk to themselves or be with themselves and not feel a sense of lack. For people who do Transform 20, there is a silent workout within the program for this reason.
That workout, in particular, resurfaced some things for me because I remember as a kid, I use to hide in my closet. The only that I was alone as a child as in a negative space when I would hide from my molester. So being alone to me as a child equal hiding. Then in my adulthood, those same feelings started to manifest themselves when I was single.
I had to learn that because I’m alone, I’m not dating anyone, not hanging out with friends, that I am not also still running and hiding from my molester. I’m just spending time by myself and it’s okay.
There are a lot of people who say that they like being alone or they want to be single but they really don’t.
There are a lot of people just telling themselves they just want to be single when actually it’s the exact opposite. They want to be with someone but there’s a battle between them proven to themselves that they can be alone and their circumstances.
“My question to those people is why? “
What I enjoyed about being single is that I could go and do whatever I wanted, I could pick whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
What I didn’t like about it was hooking up with random people or going to the club and it basically being me reaching out to people for the sole purpose of not being alone. I didn’t like that feeling. I didn’t like feeling like I was running away from this to pain that I was feeling as a child.
When I met Scott I recognized what it was like to be with someone but also be free. With most of my other relationships it was like I’m with them and I’m relying on them for emotional support but I wasn’t really in love with them. I see that in those situations I was using those people for emotional support. It’s basically you are not with the person for them but you are with the person for what they can provide you. Don’t get me wrong, Scott does provide me with something great but if he is not there for a day or two I am fine. Before, it was like what is this person providing me that I can’t provide myself. With Scott and what he provides its an enhancement and not taking the place of something that I already should have within myself. That is where I draw freedom from with our relationship.
Here is some advice for you if you are currently single:
Don’t rush the process.
There is a process happening in your life and you must not rush it. Just like me, many of us go through a singles phase that is there to teach and evolve us. Without that time, we would stumble into relationships not fully formed or able to truly give and get the best out of the relationship. Trust that your journey is the way that it is for a reason and do your best to be your best at every turn and you will find yourself later on a much better person.
Respect the process.
Relationships are like clothes. When you are in the market for some new clothes, what do you do: “Go shopping”. I’m shopping and I see a shirt that I like. First thing I ask is “do I really like this shirt?” Yes, I do like this shirt so the next question is “can I afford it?” If you look at a person and the aesthetics of this person you like, they take care of themselves in a way that’s attractive to you. Then boom, this is something you can afford. As opposed to if it’s a person that might be a little bit stuck-up or self-absorbed then you can’t really afford that situation and all of what that person brings to it. Now back to the shirt, if it’s in your price range you pick up the shirt and the next thing you do is try it on. Things have been going really well up until this point, you like the store, you like the style, you like the price but you have to try it on. You meet somebody they look good, they have enough qualities that you like and not stuck on themselves, they are giving you enough attention; so you say “hey let’s go out on a date.” Now it’s time to try it on for size. You put the shirt on and you can get your arms through, this is cool. You look in the mirror, the most important part, what is the first thing that you see and say.
Do you say “this shirt looks really good on me” or do you have to wiggle around pull on the shirt and maneuver in the hopes of making it look good? If you have to make to many adjustments, pull and wiggle to “make the shirt look better or fit” then you have to tell yourself “I’m not buying the shirt”. That’s not to say that you could never wear the shirt but right now, at this moment that shirt is not a good fit. Who knows: maybe you need to lose a little weight, maybe you need to gain a little weight, maybe it’s not the shirt but something going on with you. Regardless it’s not a good fit. So maybe this shirt is just not right for you. If you are trying to make the shirt fit and it’s too small but you are trying to make it work so you pull at the arms and pull at the waist you will wind up with a morphed/disfigured shirt. We try to make clothing fit the same way that we try to make people fit and now you’re trying to change someone because they never really fit but you want to stretch and make them fit you. That person is never going to be the right one because you went into the situation attempting to change them to fit you. Not everybody is going to look good on you. You cannot stretch anyone to fit your life just for the sake of “being in a relationship.”
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts in the comments section below! Really liked this article, then send me a message on IG (@ShaunT) telling me your take on “Being Single in 2019”.